My name is Clark. I’m from the US—please don’t hold that against me. I’m 'normal.' I’m so sorry so many of you have similar stories, but in a way, at least we’re not alone. For over 50 years, I’ve just felt different, weird, crazy, ashamed, lost, and lonely—stuck in my own head. Growing up before the internet, I thought I was the only person on this planet who felt the way I do. It wasn’t until the end of the 90s that I discovered an entire world I didn’t know existed.

I feel lucky for the most part; I have a good life. I have a career, I’m about to start a new business, and I’ve been married to the same beautiful woman for over 30 years. I have three adult children (supporting themselves!), but I think about the need to amputate my left leg above the knee every waking minute. I think about it when I drive. I think about it in the shower. I think about it when I’m eating dinner. I think about it during yoga. I think about it when I ski. It never ends.

As a child, I didn’t understand my attraction to amputees. I have so many memories with vivid details of every amputee I’ve ever seen. This all started long before puberty, and years before my biological father abandoned my mother. It also started before my stepfather sexually abused my sister and me. If I’m being honest, my entire sexual identity is tied to the idea of me being an amputee, my wife being an amputee (or both), or one of us being trapped inside a cast. It’s taken me a long time to realize it’s not just a fetish for me.

I was afraid of therapy because of all the other trauma in my life, but I’ve dealt with those, and I don’t want some Freud-like person trying to find another 'cause.' My internal map is just wired for less. I have this overwhelmingly strong desire to live as an amputee. I don’t look at my left leg and hate it—it’s not gross or ugly—but I just know it shouldn’t be there. I know without a doubt where I start and this intruder begins. Over time, the pain I feel at night and in the morning steals so much of my sleep and energy. Right now as I write, my leg is just aching.

I did try to tell my wife in 1998, but I didn’t even truly understand myself at that point. My disclosure came out more like a sexual fantasy. At first, my wife tried casting; she hated it. We talked for a year or so about amputation off and on. She would let me bind her leg, but the second I wanted to bind mine, it all became too real for her. I wish I would have only told her about casting; maybe I should have planted that seed and let it grow. What did I know? I had no idea others felt this way. I had zero direction; I just felt like I owed her the truth.

I think deep down she thought I wanted to hurt her or myself. At some point, the communication regarding my thoughts stopped. Sex just became sex for her, and it became a secret for me—a secret I hate every day. I really don’t hate the feeling of needing to be an amputee; I truly want to be an amputee. After 50 years, those thoughts can’t be erased. I just want her to know the truth. I hide so much it hurts. I know I could be a better husband and father if only I had her on my side. I know she loves me. I think she believes I outgrew these desires, or maybe she’s somehow suppressed the memory of those early years of our marriage.

It’s taken me a long time to seek help. Now that I’m finally trying, I’ve realized how hard it is when the help you need relates to Body Integrity Dysphoria. I’ve lost count of the number of phone calls and emails I’ve sent looking for help. Being in the Pacific Northwest with all the LGBTQIA+ acceptance, you would think I would find more support. Most therapists I’ve talked to have never even heard of BID. I spend 15 minutes just trying to educate them.

The first person I did talk to had no idea what BID was, but they were non-binary and very empathetic. I just broke down. I think I really just needed to say it out loud. As I write this, I’m crying now. I told that therapist I’m not 'trying to become disabled'—I’m already disabled, I’m just trying to align the outside with the inside. I still want to ski, hike, climb, surf, and practice yoga. I just want to do it as me for the first time. I know Gender Dysphoria tracks very closely with BID. I’m not gay and I’m not trans, but I fully support those who are. I can’t imagine that struggle. I’m glad trans people are able to find support and treatment. I just wish it were that easy for BID.

I have a friend in Seattle who’s been with her husband for decades, and after his transition, my friend and their kids still support and love her. It’s absolutely beautiful to witness that love and support. If I had the opportunity to amputate my leg today, I’m ready this very minute. I know how crazy that sounds, but it’s true. If I never find congruence, I’ll probably survive somehow—I have for this long. However, finding peace and honesty with my wife is more important.

I wish all of you well on your journey with BID. Maybe we’re all some higher life form. I have to believe there’s a reason we've been saddled with this condition.

Thanks for reading, and thanks for sharing your own stories,

Clark

My name is Fox and I'm a 34 year old transman from the US. Unfortunately, I don't think my introduction will be as informative and well written as some of the others I've read. But I'm going to try my best to articulate my feelings. 

Ever since I was young I've been unhappy with myself. My body has always felt.....wrong. I have too many parts and not the right parts. I never imagined there was a community like this so I always kept it to myself. My biggest area of discomfort is my right leg. And the desire for amputation has only gotten stronger since I suffer from leg pain, which is worse in the right one.

I also want my pinkies removed and my eye. I can't explain why but they feel so wrong. To a point where sometimes it's stressful to even look at myself. It's a similar feeling to before my gender transition and I saw myself as a girl in the mirror. Sometimes I just want to cry because even though I'm transitioned gender wise I still don't feel complete. 

It's been hard trying to open up to people. I know I can't tell my family. And my husband knows only about the pinkies. So I've felt really alone in this.

I am set to see a trauma therapist soon. I don't know if it'll help but we'll see. I'm hoping one day I can find a way to medically and safely do something to help, even if its just with a smaller part!  

If you have any questions let me know :)

WHAT

We are gathering indications of interest to help shape the format and scale of the symposium. The event is planned for Q4 2026. The final format—in person, online, or hybrid—as well as final dates and location, will be decided once this process is completed.

While grounded in Body Integrity Dysphoria (BID), the symposium is not limited strictly to BID alone. Contributions and participation addressing related questions of bodily ownership, autonomy, embodiment, identity, morality, and medical or legal authority are welcome.

Agreement on therapeutic approaches, clinical classifications, or regulatory status is not required. The aim is to foster informed awareness, sensible dialogue, and to move the discussion forward in a careful, critical, and constructive manner.

WHO

The symposium is open to academic scholars and non-academic participants alike, including clinicians, researchers, ethicists, legal experts, artists, independent researchers, activists, and individuals with or without lived experience.

DEADLINE

The deadline for submitting an Expression of Interest is 31 May 2026.

You may register your interest:

• as a speaker, or

• as a prospective attendee

➡️ You can read the official announcement 👉 here

➡️ You may express your interest as a speaker or as a prospective attendee 👉 here

AFTER THE DEADLINE

• Selected speakers will be contacted and invited to submit a full manuscript / contribution.

• Official registration for attendees will open.

• The final programme structure, format, dates, and location will be announced.

The BodyIntegrityDysphoria.com initiative is a project developed and hosted under Corpus Sui:

For updates, follow us on LinkedIn:

• The BodyIntegrityDysphoria.com Project. 

• Corpus Sui.

A newsletter is also on its way. Please subscribe to stay up to date if you have not already done so.

If you would like to collaborate or contribute to current or future projects, feel free to contact us at:
info@bodyintegritydysphoria.com 
info@corpussui.org 

At first, when I was a child, I thought it was more of a sexual issue than a physical one. Over time, however, the discomfort became clearer: the strange sensations, the inability to look at my leg, the sadness, and the constant judgment for wanting to amputate a perfectly healthy limb. It was a long journey to understand that what I felt had a name and that there were other people like me. At the same time, it was frightening to read comments on articles about BIID and see how people refer to us as freaks.

I have been in therapy for some time. I once had a crisis at work and felt the need to talk to someone, which led to a breakdown during a session with my psychologist. Surprisingly, she reacted well. We talked about several alternative therapies, and I even explored spirituality, but the answers felt vague and incomplete.

Later, I tried a new psychologist who attempted to implant the idea of a sexual trauma, claiming that someone had tried to “help” me in childhood and that this was why I rejected my left leg. My mind was spinning, because I had no memory of any such event, yet for a while I tried to believe that this explanation might be true.

Eventually, I returned to my current psychologist, who has done more for me simply by being understanding. Still, the truth is that she doesn’t really know how to deal with BIID. I am from Brazil, and here this subject is barely acknowledged. Our country still trivializes disability and often turns it into jokes, as if people with disabilities were something to be laughed at. As a result, people like us are labeled as “crazy,” which goes against basic moral and ethical principles.

I have always had great difficulty in relationships because, sexually, I would sometimes have crying spells and couldn’t explain why. My relationships lasted, but my sex life often became a form of torture. There were moments when I disliked having certain parts of my leg touched, and I couldn’t explain the reason, so I would simply panic.

When I started my current relationship, my wife—who was my girlfriend at the time—began to notice my moments of sadness and anxiety. I also experience leg pain that sometimes doesn’t go away, and this happened frequently enough that she eventually realized something was wrong.

When she understood that I was happy with her and wanted to marry her, she felt it was only fair to know that she was committing to someone who, given the opportunity, would choose to amputate her left leg in the future. It wouldn’t have been fair to hide that from her. To my surprise, telling her about BIID significantly improved my life. Of course, it was only after about three years of marriage that we were able to talk about it openly, anywhere and without fear.

My wife tries to reassure me that, at some point, either something will happen and I will lose my leg due to fate—bad luck or perhaps good—or that I will be able to choose amputation myself.

More than that, she helps me deal with the pain and discomfort. She is always present, a true companion when the waves overwhelm me, respecting my silences, giving me massages, and helping me ground myself again. She is truly my greatest blessing.

Today, we live trying to structure our lives around the belief that one day all of this will change. As she says, that day will be our happiest one, when we will finally be able to sleep without anguish or sadness.

I feel deep compassion for everyone who lives with something that affects both the soul and the body so profoundly, and even more compassion for those who face it without support.

I hope that, someday, everyone can find the peace they so deeply desire.

I’m a 29 years old trans woman from Czechia (started HRT right before my 17th birthday). I have ADHD (medicated) and for a long time, I've suspected that I have BID. I had my first desires and I've first learned about BID ( I only knew the term "apotemnohilia" back then) a very long time ago, but I don't exactly remember when - maybe when I was 15 or earlier. I don't know exactly because it's harder for me to recall anything from before my gender transition, I had terrible gender dysphoria and many of the memories are traumatising for me. My memories are clearer since I started at least attending a therapy for gender dysphoria at 15, so let's say that my BID desires started around then.

One of my earlier memories is my wish to not have toes on my feet. That's how it all started. I thought that maybe it was just a fetish because the idea made me very sexually aroused, and I often felt disgusted of myself after masturbation due to thinking about that. I was often repressing those desires as I found them very annoying and shameful, but they just kept coming back. Even when I got *really* disgusted and ashamed of myself and swore to never think about it again, it still came back, just maybe a little later.

Once, I was desperate. I just wanted the toes gone - or at least something, a small part of them. I don't know how old I was but I remember that I was in a bathroom at home, my parents were at work, and I held a knife in my hand. I had a bucket of salty, icy water prepared nearby. I didn't know anything about cutting a toe, but I had motivation. I started cutting the tip of my pinky toe on my right leg. I stopped almost immediately after blood came out and I got extremely scared of myself and my thoughts and desires. That was a moment that made me successfully repress it for a long time. But as always, it kept coming back and sometimes it was strong and I was imagining having feet without toes and how I'd find someone to amputate them after I graduate from college. However, as I got into a relationship with my wife, I knew that it could never happen - I couldn't get rid of them any longer because she would never understand. Sometimes, I'd feel sad about it and feel like I was trapped. I also had issues with ingrown nails on my big toes, and I was able to at least fix that around 1 and a half years ago with a surgery where the surgeon also cut off a part of my left big toe that was blocking the path of the nail. That made me hate my toes a bit less and since then, even though I'd still like to not have any of my toes, I haven't had these strong desires yet.

But the toes aren't my only desire or need. The other one, much more prominent now, is blindness. It's been also present for a very long time and although I also don't know for how long exactly, I think maybe for as long as the desire to remove my toes. I remember that I was maybe 16 or 17 and I was in a bath, and I showered and shaved etc. while blindfolded. Then I watched a whole movie like that - I haven't seen that movie before, I just wanted to enjoy it without seeing it. After that, I was very ashamed of myself and I haven't done it for a very long time. I have never watched a movie without sight at all since then, even though I like the idea. Imagining myself or pretending being blind has often been very arousing for me, but I felt like I genuinely wanted it and was enjoying it in a different way than just sexually - the sexual arousal just always accompanied it. I'd often have these thoughts and then I'd have to pretend to feel satisfied, and it would usually end up with masturbation and me feeling ashamed and disgusted because of it - that was how it usually went over the years. Sometimes I bought something to help me with pretending like blind contacts or a sleeping mask, but it was generally always the same, just with different ways to cover my eyes.

However, it has changed in December, after I started therapy to resolve my traumatic childhood. Masturbation no longer makes me ashamed and disgusted of having these desires and the fantasy of being blind slowly stopped being sexual and arousing. I lost the one coping mechanism I was always relying on, and the desires have kept getting stronger since then. Because I felt so terrible and I had to pretend being blind to feel better, I had no other option than to tell my wife as well as my therapist about my BID.

I have to pretend daily now, at least for some small moments. Sometimes my stomach hurts and I just close my eyes while e.g. showering and it gets better, I feel calmer and peaceful. I do my makeup without looking. I learned how to move around my apartment without bumping into stuff. I slowly learn how to use a screen reader on my phone and on my laptop. I sometimes imagine myself experiencing stuff without vision that I haven't experienced before, like a new hobby, watching a new movie or a TV show or being on a holiday in a new place, and it all makes me feel happy, calm and peaceful. For some reason, I just feel better when I don't see. Sometimes, when I do something new or I learn a new ability, I feel this childish happiness - a similar feeling to what I sometimes felt with my gender dysphoria - and I'd just curl in my bed, smile, be happy and feel hopeful for the future even though it doesn't make sense. Also, just closing my eyes is not always enough because light still bothers me, I feel the best when I don't even see light, or just a little.

It has become my daily life now. I repressed it for so long and now I can't ignore it any longer. I think about it every hour of every day, it's like an obsession. It's been difficult to focus on work or anything else. Sometimes, there are moments that I doubt my feelings and think that it's all stupid and how difficult it would be being blind, but a moment later I'm back to pretending or obsessing again. Also, I noticed my eyesight has become a little worse since Christmas. Not much, just a little, but enough that I notice it sometimes - I need to get closer to read text that I previously could read from a larger distance. I didn't do anything to my eyes, I treat them surprisingly well, I've just been very stressed for the last few weeks. Could be a coincidence, or the result of stress, but that's just another thing I noticed. I've also been more sensitive to light and visual input in general when I don't feel well because of BID. On my worst days I was sometimes getting dizzy when looking at too detailed images and I had to just look on the ground. And for a very long time, I've had issues with blinking: I often blink harder, more often and for a longer time than people usually do, but that might be related to my ADHD instead...

There's also another problem and that's what am I supposed to do with all this, because I have no idea how to handle it. I say that I don't want to hurt myself but the fact is, in the past week, I thought about it several times. I would like a diagnosis and to have some kind of a plan - like getting used to pretending daily in all kinds of situations so that I can pretend whenever I need it, or have some different coping mechanisms, or just to learn how to ignore it, I don't know. I don't even know why I want to be blind. I feel like I really want it, I wish I was blind, but I don't know why I do. I also know that it'd be so difficult for me and I'd lose my job, my hobbies, my independence, and maybe even my family. I am a programmer and I love video games and board game and that would need a lot of work and a lot of adjustments to be able to continue doing that as a blind person. I simply can't afford being blind, it would ruin my life. And the worst thing is, when I get diagnosed with BID in the future (if I ever find someone who I trust who will diagnose me) and it gets worse to the point where I just need to be blind or pretend being blind full time, I will only have the option of pretending and I'll never be legally blind, I'll always just be a pretender, a mentally ill pervert in the eyes of others, and that will make life even more difficult than it already is for people without vision. I'm just afraid of the future if my needs get stronger.

I feel like I was very unlucky with what kind of BID needs I have. If it was for example paraplegia, that would be much more realistic to achieve because even pretending can weaken your legs enough, and I'd be able to live normally on a wheelchair. If it was just one eye, I could just have it covered all the time easily and my life would continue without issues. Sadly, even though covering just one eye still feels better than seeing with both eyes, I know it's not enough for me.

I also don't want to make it harder for anyone else, especially my wife. She is very worried about me and about our plans for the future. I am also ashamed to ask her for helping me out with pretending, and I can't even imagine going out with a cane - I can't describe the amount of shame that I'd feel for pretending in public or in front of my family or friends.

And even though I know all of this, the need/desire/wish (I don't know how to name it, all of these terms feel right) doesn't go away. I can't stop it because if I could, I would've already done that a long time ago. Instead, I keep wanting it, I keep preparing for being blind by learning how to do various activities without vision, and when I feel especially bad I'm sometimes having thoughts about hurting at least my left eye. Once I've also considered whether it wouldn't be worth it blinding myself instead of having to deal with the uncertainty around BID - getting the diagnosis and how people would react to someone who has to pretend being disabled in order to not go crazy. As if not being able to see in some or all situations wasn't challenging enough.

Although, there are moments that I doubt if it's BID and that I just made it up for attention or for belonging somewhere, or that it's really just sexual, because it just doesn't make any sense. Even now, writing this, I'm thinking if my desires are actually real and not overexaggerated or just sexual. My doubts also come from the fact that I get aroused when imagining myself or pretending to have also other disabilities, like amputated left arm or paraplegia. This has always been very confusing for me and that may have delayed the realisation that I maybe actually have BID and that it's not just a fetish. But I think I don't actually want these, I never had any strong desires around them, it was always just in a sexual context - although that doesn't mean I'm not afraid of finding out that I also need those in my regular life because that would be just too much.

All this feels so absurd, so bizzare, and every day since Christmas feels like I've gone crazy. I swore I'd never talk about it and now I share it with everyone. Why would I want to be blind and why can't I stop having these thoughts? I have too many questions, not enough answers, and I'm afraid that the only possible cure is going to be fulfilling those needs - whether by pretending more and more often or by acting on my darkest thoughts - and how difficult my life will become because if it.

"No, there will never be a cure per se. The only cure is to get what one needs for their body. The ones who achieved, as you can see here, are very happy and free from dysphoria. The thing is, BID is neurological; how one's brain is wired no way to change that.

As I said in my post, most people are not looking to be cured in any case, but they want what they feel they need for their bodies. They have suffered from BID since they were young, for the most part, and it is part of them. Yes, suffering from BID is a bitch.

You ask why anyone wants to be disabled like this. Well, so I wrote this a few years ago, which you may want to read: https://www.reddit.com/r/biid/comments/130ngal/why/  One cannot say why; it is just part of them, just like GD is to a Trans person. One needs what they need.  The only cure for the dysphoria is to achieve what one's need is.

We know therapy and drugs do not help.  Many have tried this, and it does not help alleviate their need for their body.  It would only help if one is depressed, and it helps with anxiety.  One needs what they need, and that is the problem.

I am hoping one day, maybe not in my time, that the medical community will recognize our needs and give affirming surgery to people who suffer from BID. It is going to be hard for them to accept how much people suffer from BID and how much a person getting what they need for their body frees them of the dysphoria and the pain."

I am Felix, I live in Greece and I am -kind of- a RBK wannabe. I do simming quite often using my crutches at home (of course it is at knee height, not exactly BK). Altough I can't aswer with a clear "yes", when it comes to the bid subject, it is for sure my right leg, preferably BK. Happy to chat and answer to comments below.

For some, a disability is a catastrophe, while others have never known anything different, and for them it is completely normal to do things differently than, for example, the neighbor. People constantly compare themselves.

In BID, the struggle for recognition of one’s own individuality is shaped by persuasion work that, according to general perception, is quickly labeled as “crazy.” When those affected come out, they immediately encounter boundaries: “Oh, that is totally crazy.” The supposed consequence is psychotherapy.

However, this can — especially because there is no general recognition of the suffering caused by BID and because it cannot be treated through conventional means (even after hundreds or thousands of sessions with psychologists or psychiatrists) — even intensify the dysphoria in the long term.

People are also subject to certain constraints through ICD and DSM classifications and are restricted in their individual freedom of decision. This affects people with BID particularly strongly. Outwardly, a person must function as norm‑compliant as possible. Anything that deviates from this — even if it only slightly falls out of the frame — is tolerated only with difficulty or not at all by society. I simply call this herd instinct.

BID is highly individual and usually shaped since childhood. It is a constant hide‑and‑seek between one’s own inner reality and the external, socially expected “truth.” These two levels cannot easily be brought into harmony. This is exactly what intensifies the dysphoria, because people with BID are restricted in their individuality from early childhood far more than would be necessary.

Understanding would be an important first step in building trust between those affected and doctors — a trust that is currently massively lacking. More understanding could lead to those affected confiding in their doctors in the first place.

The professional community can pathologize BID as much as it wants — that will not solve the problem. On the contrary: it intensifies the dysphoria. Only when mutual trust is established can a meaningful approach to BID be found.

A broken bone is not healed through psychotherapy, and an amputated leg does not grow back because of it — even though it would be wonderful for some people who suffer from the loss. At least there is societal agreement that lost limbs do not grow back.

There are many people who say after an amputation (due to illness or accident): “It was the best thing that ever happened to me.” You find exactly the same statements in BID.

But because BID‑affected individuals are labeled as “crazy” through pathologization, the dysphoria and the restriction of their individuality intensify even further. This does not make the situation any easier. Even the step of joining a forum is difficult for many — out of fear of being judged. Some take years before they dare.

Norms and statutes are important, no question. But especially in BID, these supposedly correct norms probably lead to greater individual problems than necessary. The inner — how it should or must be — and the outer — how it must conform to the norm — do not match in BID. In a broad sense, BID is therefore an illness because it represents a deviation from the norm.

Not everything has to be operated on; that depends on the individual level of suffering. Nevertheless, it would make sense to consider a right to individual healing pathways for BID.

In the end, the big question arises: Who pays for possible treatment, and to what extent?

Since all people with BID know the topics of “being considered crazy,” “trust,” and “costs” all too well, I deliberately raise this question:

What are those affected supposed to do? What options do they have?

Suffering in silence officially costs nothing — but in the end perhaps than anything else means.