Two things can both be true, at least in some way. People who are bisexual can find attraction to both sexes; maybe some prefer women more than men, or vice versa, or maybe it’s an equal opportunity depending on the situation. I’ve always felt everyone is somewhat "bisexual" in their attractions, even if there’s no sexual component. I know I’m friends with people I have a certain attraction to. While I’m friendly with many people, when I consider my real inner circle, there is something more than just a shared interest that forms that close bond. It’s a deeper connection, even when it isn't sexual.

While I don’t think of myself as a traditional devotee, I am 100% attracted to female amputees. I honor their beauty. Perhaps it’s just mirroring the body I want and need, or maybe it’s deeper. And for me, a female stump is much more beautiful than a hairy stump on a dude—I often think if I ever become a LAK, I’ll have to get laser hair removal just so I can enjoy my own stump!

I think finding an attraction to someone with a stump or a disability is no different than having a preference for blondes, brown eyes, or any other physical trait. For me, meeting a girl with a stump (AK or DAK) would have been amazing, but that’s only a starting point. Yes, the chemistry might be great for a while, but there is so much more to attraction than just sex. My wife of 30+ years has two legs, and I love her legs. However, I often fantasy about her being a LAK or DAK, but that is only a fantasy. I would never want her to experience that loss and pain, and to be honest, if she had a stump and I didn’t, I would be so jealous.

I know that’s not true of all devotees—some do completely fixate on the missing limb and not the person. I had a friend from my son's Boy Scout troop who was a rehab doctor. He ran the Disabilities Awareness Merit Badge one year, and I remember on a tour he told the boys, "You would never say there's an amputee in room six; instead, you would say there's a patient in room six with an amputation."

I remember so badly wanting to be that patient.

I know there are devotees who see the person first, before the stump. It’s the others who objectify—who see the missing limb as an object—that leave a bad taste in everyone’s mouth. But that’s true of any sexual obsession. For me, when I see a stump, it represents a story. It represents survival, a source of pride, and maybe even accomplishment.

I’ve never been one to stalk amputees online or in person. I’ve never taken a photo or video of an amputee; I may file that image in my brain, but that’s it. I’ve only ever known two female amputees personally: one was an older woman missing a finger, and the other was a friend’s wife who was born a LBE. I felt no sexual attraction to either.

I guess when I see an amputee—female or male—or any person with a disability, I just hope they have love in their life. I hope someone loves them not in spite of the disability, but as a complete person. I want to think they’re adored, not just tolerated. I know that’s how I hope my wife can accept me if I ever become a LAK.

Again, I’m not trying to devalue anyone’s opinions; these are just mine. I’ve been trying to read as many posts on this forum as I can, and I’m truly humbled by everyone's honesty and bravery in sharing. I’ve been in a bad place the last few weeks, and I’m happy I found you all.

First, I have to sneak around to do it. I hate keeping this secret from my wife, and this just reinforces the shame for me. Second, it really doesn’t look great. Binding my left leg and watching myself in the mirror is disappointing. Third, it doesn’t last very long. Unwrapping my ‘stump’ is a horrible feeling.

What I will do is pull my leg up in bed and tuck my heel into my butt. I still know my foot is there, but the absence below my knee, with just my right foot visible, brings a sort of peace I can’t explain. When I was younger, it was easier and more enjoyable from a mental point of view. I still try casting, but again, it’s in secret. I can only do this when my wife is traveling for work. Even in my own house, I feel like I’m going to get caught by the neighbors or a delivery person.

However, wearing a long leg cast takes my left leg out of service. I have to rely on crutches and I can sleep that way as well. I can usually make it maybe three days before I lose it. Now that I’m older, the leg aches so badly at night. My thigh hurts so much; it feels 'trapped' with the part of me that shouldn’t be there. I’ve even had to get up at 3:00 AM and cut myself out of a cast because the pain was so intense.

At this point, I just feel super emotional, deeply troubled, and confused. In 2009, I broke my left leg skateboarding on a halfpipe—it was a genuine accident. It was an extreme break: a spiral compound fracture. I broke the tibia in three places and crushed the top of the fibula. I still have nerve damage and numbness on the outside of my left knee. In some strange way, I don’t think my brain allowed my leg to heal. At one point the pain was so bad I had to have the rod and hardware removed. I regret that; I keep thinking an infection might have happened that could have led to an amputation.

I will say, the four months I spent casted and restricted on crutches were the happiest moments of my life. I know I’ll pretend again, but I truly hate the cycle. I just want it all to stop.

My name is Clark. I’m from the US—please don’t hold that against me. I’m 'normal.' I’m so sorry so many of you have similar stories, but in a way, at least we’re not alone. For over 50 years, I’ve just felt different, weird, crazy, ashamed, lost, and lonely—stuck in my own head. Growing up before the internet, I thought I was the only person on this planet who felt the way I do. It wasn’t until the end of the 90s that I discovered an entire world I didn’t know existed.

I feel lucky for the most part; I have a good life. I have a career, I’m about to start a new business, and I’ve been married to the same beautiful woman for over 30 years. I have three adult children (supporting themselves!), but I think about the need to amputate my left leg above the knee every waking minute. I think about it when I drive. I think about it in the shower. I think about it when I’m eating dinner. I think about it during yoga. I think about it when I ski. It never ends.

As a child, I didn’t understand my attraction to amputees. I have so many memories with vivid details of every amputee I’ve ever seen. This all started long before puberty, and years before my biological father abandoned my mother. It also started before my stepfather sexually abused my sister and me. If I’m being honest, my entire sexual identity is tied to the idea of me being an amputee, my wife being an amputee (or both), or one of us being trapped inside a cast. It’s taken me a long time to realize it’s not just a fetish for me.

I was afraid of therapy because of all the other trauma in my life, but I’ve dealt with those, and I don’t want some Freud-like person trying to find another 'cause.' My internal map is just wired for less. I have this overwhelmingly strong desire to live as an amputee. I don’t look at my left leg and hate it—it’s not gross or ugly—but I just know it shouldn’t be there. I know without a doubt where I start and this intruder begins. Over time, the pain I feel at night and in the morning steals so much of my sleep and energy. Right now as I write, my leg is just aching.

I did try to tell my wife in 1998, but I didn’t even truly understand myself at that point. My disclosure came out more like a sexual fantasy. At first, my wife tried casting; she hated it. We talked for a year or so about amputation off and on. She would let me bind her leg, but the second I wanted to bind mine, it all became too real for her. I wish I would have only told her about casting; maybe I should have planted that seed and let it grow. What did I know? I had no idea others felt this way. I had zero direction; I just felt like I owed her the truth.

I think deep down she thought I wanted to hurt her or myself. At some point, the communication regarding my thoughts stopped. Sex just became sex for her, and it became a secret for me—a secret I hate every day. I really don’t hate the feeling of needing to be an amputee; I truly want to be an amputee. After 50 years, those thoughts can’t be erased. I just want her to know the truth. I hide so much it hurts. I know I could be a better husband and father if only I had her on my side. I know she loves me. I think she believes I outgrew these desires, or maybe she’s somehow suppressed the memory of those early years of our marriage.

It’s taken me a long time to seek help. Now that I’m finally trying, I’ve realized how hard it is when the help you need relates to Body Integrity Dysphoria. I’ve lost count of the number of phone calls and emails I’ve sent looking for help. Being in the Pacific Northwest with all the LGBTQIA+ acceptance, you would think I would find more support. Most therapists I’ve talked to have never even heard of BID. I spend 15 minutes just trying to educate them.

The first person I did talk to had no idea what BID was, but they were non-binary and very empathetic. I just broke down. I think I really just needed to say it out loud. As I write this, I’m crying now. I told that therapist I’m not 'trying to become disabled'—I’m already disabled, I’m just trying to align the outside with the inside. I still want to ski, hike, climb, surf, and practice yoga. I just want to do it as me for the first time. I know Gender Dysphoria tracks very closely with BID. I’m not gay and I’m not trans, but I fully support those who are. I can’t imagine that struggle. I’m glad trans people are able to find support and treatment. I just wish it were that easy for BID.

I have a friend in Seattle who’s been with her husband for decades, and after his transition, my friend and their kids still support and love her. It’s absolutely beautiful to witness that love and support. If I had the opportunity to amputate my leg today, I’m ready this very minute. I know how crazy that sounds, but it’s true. If I never find congruence, I’ll probably survive somehow—I have for this long. However, finding peace and honesty with my wife is more important.

I wish all of you well on your journey with BID. Maybe we’re all some higher life form. I have to believe there’s a reason we've been saddled with this condition.

Thanks for reading, and thanks for sharing your own stories,

Clark

I do not feel the need now, but I think it would have been desirable to be an amputee.  Now you are making me think, am I going to have the dysphoria come back?  It is good not to have to think about getting the right body at this point, even as I said it would have been nice to be an amputee; not thinking about it constantly is good.  You got me worried.  Suffering from BID is just so bad.

My name is Fox and I'm a 34 year old transman from the US. Unfortunately, I don't think my introduction will be as informative and well written as some of the others I've read. But I'm going to try my best to articulate my feelings. 

Ever since I was young I've been unhappy with myself. My body has always felt.....wrong. I have too many parts and not the right parts. I never imagined there was a community like this so I always kept it to myself. My biggest area of discomfort is my right leg. And the desire for amputation has only gotten stronger since I suffer from leg pain, which is worse in the right one.

I also want my pinkies removed and my eye. I can't explain why but they feel so wrong. To a point where sometimes it's stressful to even look at myself. It's a similar feeling to before my gender transition and I saw myself as a girl in the mirror. Sometimes I just want to cry because even though I'm transitioned gender wise I still don't feel complete. 

It's been hard trying to open up to people. I know I can't tell my family. And my husband knows only about the pinkies. So I've felt really alone in this.

I am set to see a trauma therapist soon. I don't know if it'll help but we'll see. I'm hoping one day I can find a way to medically and safely do something to help, even if its just with a smaller part!  

If you have any questions let me know :)

I would say most do go to the top at some point, though getting stuck there is really bad.  At the top, it is all they can think about is getting what they need for their body.  It can take over all of one's thoughts and affect how productive they can be, and affect relationships as well.

Dr. First, in the ICD-11, describes The Wave perfectly, even though he did not know the term wave: 

Course Features:

• The typical course is for the intensity of the desire to become disabled and consequent functional impairment to wax and wane. There may be periods of time where the intensity of the desire and the accompanying dysphoria is so great that the individual can think of nothing else and may make plans or take action to become disabled. At other times, the desire to become disabled and the associated intense negative feelings abate, although at no time does it completely cease to be present.”

For sure, most people would love to contact a gatekeeper to get, as you called, black market surgery.  It is very expensive if you cab get a gatekeeper that is.  There was one guy who, a few months ago, used all his money to become a DAK amp; he got it “cheap” for $30,000 and is now broke, but you cannot imagine how happy he is rolling around in his wheelchair having two AK stumps.  You cannot even begin to imagine how happy people who have achieved their needs are in accepting the challenges of being impaired. 

It is such a desirable thing to get what one needs, and the people who do achieve are relieved of the harmful dysphoria.  The dysphoria of BID is similar to what people who suffer from GD go through.  We have many people who are also trans in the BID community.  They say the feelings are similar.

It is hard to say how long one stays in a part of The Wave.  One can go up and down on the same day, but at other times one can get stuck. 

It is so hard to imagine how one suffers from BID.  One has a need, but even lower on The Wave, one thinks that they should be desirable to be as such, but it is not as consuming as it is at a lower level on The Wave.  The ones who achieve are so happy, and the only regret they have is not being able to achieve it sooner.  It is just so desirable to get what one needs for their body. 

As for me, I had dropped all the way down about 3 years ago.  I know because I wrote about it on Reddit at the time.   I went from the top all the way down at that time and have only at times gone back to the middle.  When I was at the top of The Wave, I would think Why can't I be as such as well.  I do not feel the need now, but I still think it would have been desirable to be an amputee.  Maybe if I had achieved 20 or 30 years ago, it would have been good.  Cannot explain why, but that is how BID is.  It is just so crazy, but one has a need, and it is so hard to get there safely. 

We have people on the forums who used dry ice to achieve amputation.  It is painful, but as much as there are dangers, it is the safest way to go, since you cannot get anyone to make you an amputee.  Just do not say you did it because you suffer from BIID, then they will refuse to amputate.  Is being an amputee that bad?  One needs what they need.  People see people as they want to be envious, and why not?  It makes it seem that it is possible to be as such, so why not me as well?  

We also have people trying to go deaf and blind.  Those who want to be paraplegic find it harder to achieve, but they find that using a wheelchair full-time has helped them with the dysphoria.  Pretending may help, but it is still not like getting the body one actually needs to have.

So that is it.  People need to have the body they feel they should have.  They are being harmed by the dysphoria that one suffers from BID.  There is only one cure, and that is to get what one needs for their body.  As much as I fell all the way down there, there were only maybe two or three others who had.  Most stay at some point on The Wave, and it is so hard to get what one needs.  Yes, being an amputee would have been good.  I think that is how I should have been, but I just do not feel the need now.