I am commenting to give more visibility to this thread.

Thank you, Clark, for opening this discussion. I know that some members here live with BID more openly and have shared it with close family members, which been beneficial.

I will leave space for them to contribute here if they wish, as their direct experience would be much more useful than any comment from me.

Thanks @Leandro for commenting and giving more visibility to this thread. Unfortunately I had to move forward with my own disclosure in a very unplanned and uncontrolled manner. My wife and I almost never argue, but last night something broke open over something very stupid. Things were said that we've never said to each other before.

Hours later she came into the bedroom to apologize. I apologized as well. She told me she's felt so alone and wanted to know why I had been so distant. In the dark, after all the anger had faded, I finally decided to tell her everything. This was never planned and I felt very out of control, but a moment had presented itself.

Of course she remembered our discussions about my attraction to amputees and my cast fetish from 30 years ago. I tried to explain what I know now that I didn't know then. I tried to explain BID in terms that might make sense. I told her I've felt like an amputee my entire life. I shared stories from throughout my life where I was shown the mirror through other amputees. I told her about the early research. I took her through BIID and BID. I told her I'd started seeing a therapist for the first time ever. I could feel the tension, but I kept providing details. I was afraid to use words like amputation, stump and disability.

One of the biggest takeaways was that she felt the pressure was off her, knowing it was more about me seeing myself as an amputee rather than her becoming one. We talked about a lot of things. She could understand that my brain was different, misaligned, but she told me she still loved me.

This morning we talked more. I can see she's trying to understand. She told me it's not a big deal that I have this desire, which I still think she believes is just a passing thought. She asked about treatment, which was fair. I told her the only known treatment was amputation or achieving the desired disability. She told me that was completely crazy and out of the question. She said I just need to accept that I'm different and embrace it. Everyone is dealing with something, she said. So now I don't know how to proceed. I'm planning to share more information tonight regarding ICD-11 6C21, articles, research, and Kasten's assessment. I scored 4.35, which falls in the severe range. I already knew that about myself without a test. Perhaps we could make it through the documentary "Whole" together.

We hugged. She confirmed again how much she loves me and that she's worried about me and wants to support me. She asked why I would want an amputation when I love to ski, backpack and surf. I tried to tell her I still want to do all of those things, just in a different body. She couldn't understand the desire to become disabled. I tried to tell her I've been disabled my entire life in my brain.

I'm glad she knows the truth, but she doesn't fully understand just how much I need an amputation. She's my life, but I might never get surgery if she remains opposed. Right now I feel even more confused and sad. I have no plans of hurting myself, but I truly feel lost at the moment.

I write all this to say I still have no advice for anyone about the right way to share this with a partner. However, now that I've reopened communication, perhaps I just need to be honest and provide as much information as possible in support of amputation.
If I could give any advice it would be this: tell the ones you love sooner rather than later. I can still see in my wife's eyes that she loves me. Maybe all of this new information will help us, and help me be more open. The secret is finally gone, and that feels right.

I'm not giving up hope of body and mind alignment. If I outlive my wife or this leads to divorce I will seek amputation at the earliest opportunity. I wish I had more positive advice, but it's all I have right now.

It would still be great to hear how others are dealing with these complex issues. I hope you had a better experience than me. Wishing you all well on this journey that's brought all of us together.

It is hard for anyone outside the BID community to understand that one has a need.  It is not a choice that one has but a need.  It is good you were able to get it out to your wife, but she needs more education.  I'll give you a couple of things for you to give to her to read.   From the German group:  https://www.reddit.com/r/biid/comments/146uzn6/information_for_relatives_what_is_bid/.   You can also give her my writeup on WHY any one would want to be "disabled" as such.  https://www.reddit.com/r/biid/comments/130ngal/why/

Give those a try as well and see if it help explain BID better for her.  Tell her being an amputee is not the worst thing in the world.

Thanks @Johnsco21 for the reply and links. I had read your post on 'Why?' before and it's solid information. This is the first time I'm seeing your post on 'Information for Relatives: What is BID?' I was blown away by what you wrote. I think you really covered in great detail the struggle of trying to understand someone like us. I like the idea of sharing this with my wife, however, I don't want her to think she needs to walk on eggshells around me. I've been compiling articles written by researchers and psychologists, but something written by another person with BID might resonate in a less threatening way. I don't want to get overly clinical, and these articles feel right.

I don't want to advocate too quickly that amputation is the only answer, even though it is, but I need to give her time to process. The last two days have been fine, pretty much business as usual. Because I shared details with her so long ago, even if it was poorly executed, at least she wasn't completely blindsided. I'm just afraid she'll accept me as I am now, thinking that's all I needed was to share the secret. I can already tell she thinks I just need to be stronger, but she has no idea what the last fifty years have felt like. The fact that I'm still here and sane should show her how strong I am. I don't want her to just look past this with passive acceptance. This time I need real communication, and I'm afraid it will be easy for even me to just comply.

I truly love my wife, but I'm not sure remaining in this two-legged body will be possible much longer. The lack of sleep affects me deeply, and it's only going to get worse. That can't be good for anyone's long term health. Maybe I can survive without amputation if I can at least get her to a place where we can openly communicate about what I'm feeling, and perhaps we can pretend in a way that brings some relief.

In a perfect world I'm on a flight to Mexico tonight for surgery, but this world isn't perfect. My wife lost two brothers in the last three years, one to a random act of violence. I feel terrible adding my BID to everything she's already carrying. I think she's scared of amputation because she only sees it as a limitation, where I see it as a way to be better in every way. In the end she would be the real winner if she can accept me with a stump. I would be more focused, more present, and more intimate. I've told her I'm not looking for a nurse. I understand that's hard to see given the seriousness of surgery and the level of limb loss involved.

Hopefully we'll have a productive weekend of real communication. Again, thank you so much. These posts of yours deserve a special place on this forum.

I feel for you.  You seem to be very high on The Wave.  That is not a good place to be.  It can get totally consuming up there.  You liked the German article; here is another one from them for people who suffer.  Maybe give that to her, too, so she understands what you are dealing with.  https://www.reddit.com/r/biid/comments/1473f4w/information_for_those_affected/.   I am giving you the German articles from the Reddit group since I had translated them there.

Your wife must understand that being an amputee is not the end of the world.  Amputees manage to get by, and it is not the worst thing in the world. Of course, I think it is desirable to be an amputee, but that is the BID in me.  At this point, I do not feel the need, but there was one who came on the groups and said he was way down for 5 years, and it has come back with a vengeance.  I am worried.  But who knows?

I never told anyone outside the groups.  It is that hard for anyone to understand, but for some, it went well when they told their partner, not all of course.  

I am very good at understanding people and reading between the lines.  I have read all the posts on the groups.  When I first joined Fighting-It.  I read all 20 years' worth of posts at that time.  I was really eye-opening.  It took me 10 months to do so, but it was great.

Look at Dan, who runs Fighting-it.  He went to a gatekeeper and became an LBK  amp.  He is a real outdoorsman and was still hiking 12 miles and doing cross-country skiing.  So it is possible to do things as an amputee.  His wife did not approve, but he is still so happy every time he looks at his stump.  His wife never fully accepted him doing it, but he is happy/

I am glad you like my writing.  As I said, I have read a lot, and have suffered, and have a good idea of what BID is all about.  I would not want to wish BID on anyone, but if one suffers, then one needs what they need.  There is nothing else to relieve it.  You can look at more of what I have written on the subject on DeviantArt:  https://www.deviantart.com/johnsc2/gallery.   You might find other things of interest there.  Many do not appreciate my ideas, though; I have been attacked many times in the groups for such opinions.  You have to get her to understand how much you are suffering and how happy you will be once you achieve.

Thanks @Johnsco21 for the additional Reddit post. Sorry for the delay in responding. I think "Information for those affected" and "Information for relatives: What is BID?" are good posts I can share with my wife. I like that these are written from the point of view of someone with BID, and not just clinical research. Some of those articles are a little scary, overly technical, and some just offer false hope of treatment through means that don't include amputation as an option.

I'm meeting with my therapist tomorrow, and she has no idea what happened between my wife and I last week. I'm planning to share your posts with my therapist to get some more advice on opening communications. So far, this therapist is more of just a good listener who gets the identity issue. While I am teaching this therapist about BID, she seems willing to learn.

Little wins, my wife now knows the entire truth and she knows I'm talking with a therapist. That's a start, much better than where I was this time last week.

I am most certainly on The Wave right now. Not sure I've ever really come out of the ocean, but this current swell has been full of set after set. I just can't seem to pull away. I'm really not sure how I've managed to carry this for so long. I think I've tied my BID so heavily to the erotic side of amputation that it became my only outlet, but that's both mentally and physically exhausting. It creates shame and leaves me feeling like I'm playing a game. A game that was maybe okay at 17, but not at 57.

Like you, I have posted elsewhere, but I just got tired of the negative people. Being questioned or having posts disliked simply because I need amputation felt like another punch in the gut. Thanks for telling me Dan's story. I love that Dan is still active in life, and active in helping others with BID. That's a real shame about his wife. I just joined Fighting-It and will try to post there soon as well.

By the way, I tried to check out your DeviantArt gallery but that link didn't seem to work. If you share again I'll check it out.

This morning I saw a beautiful story on Instagram of a young mom supporting her trans daughter. The daughter was interviewed and said she's always felt like a girl. I believe she's seven now. I know she will face many struggles in society, especially in America, but that mom's support and love was just amazing. I hope we'll all find support like that somehow.

Your writing has been a genuine resource. Thank you for being so generous with your experience.

Very good.  Here's the link to my DeviantArt gallery.  https://www.deviantart.com/johnsc2/gallery   I got a number or articals there; not all mine, but I think it gives a good background for people wanting to know what BID is all about from a fellow sufferer.  The one I wrote for AskDocs on Reddit, which got deleted, has 29.5K views on DeviantArt.  I'm surprised that there is that much interest in BIID in that group, considering what the group is.

I know it is very bad to be at the top of The Wave as you are now.  It could be the only thing you can think about, getting the body you need to have.  I do not feel the need at this point, but I still think it would have been good to be an amputee.  It just seems so right.  To have stumps hanging down would have been so desirable.

It is good that you are educating your therapist about what BID is all about.  Just realize, though, she can only help you with your anxiety, but cannot free you from your need to be an amputee. 

I mostly post on the BID groups, but I get attacked there, too.  "You're not a doctor, so you do not know."  "Stop talking about everyone in the community; talk about yourself."  At this point, I have nothing to say about myself short of an introduction.  I go there to help support others who are suffering from a disorder I would not wish on anyone.  But having suffered, one needs what they need.  Most people are not looking to be "cured" as it is so much a part of them; they want them to get what they need.

There has not been much activity on Fighting-It in the last couple of years, as people have gone elsewhere, but if you want to read the old posts, they are a real eye-opener.  You can keep track of the message number and go back there and keep going.  There is a lot there, though, and it took me 10 months 5 years ago to read it all.  At this point, Dan is in his 80's, so I am not sure how active he is now, but he did a lot of outdoor things after his amputation.  Of course, being a BK amp is easier to deal with.

I am glad you like what I wrote.  BID is so hard to deal with and so harmful to the person who suffers, but it is so hard for people outside the community to understand why anyone would want to be "disabled."  Of course, it's not a choice and nothing to be ashamed of.  One has a need, and it is hard to get there.  I just think being an amputee is not the worst thing in the world.  People manage to get by in different ways.

Hello Clark. Your post shows enormous parallels to how I experienced it, and you are absolutely right that with the so‑called coming‑out it becomes harder the longer the secret about this matter lasts. It was the same for me. At some point it simply has to come out, and then you see what your partner makes of it, how you yourself deal with it in the relationship, and so on. From my own experience I can tell you that it takes time until it really sinks in for your partner — sometimes years.

Don’t lose courage and approach it in a well‑measured way, because it truly is a big thing for the woman to digest. Time will help, and talking about it now and then when necessary. My girl accepted everything years ago, and it took time. Today it is normal, and we live our life without the secret. The best thing is: it was worth it, and I am allowed to be who I am without reservations because everything is fully accepted and has been completely normal for a long time.

It works, and the key ingredient is patience, and the conversations should be well‑portioned — so don’t overwhelm her with a thousand arguments. It is really difficult until, after such a long time, it has truly reached the woman. I have been wearing my aids (orthoses) 24/7 for 15 years. An amputation is no longer a problem. So with patience and perseverance everything gets better. Continue your therapy, because that shows your good will. It will be fine.

@johnsco21 Sorry for the delay in responding, and thanks for the link to your DeviantArt gallery, that one worked.

I've tried to pull back from the internet the last few days, but it doesn't help. The need for an amputation is just so great at the moment. I've tried to distract myself by working outside on the house and going hiking. No matter what I do I think about how much I would like to do that, or try to do that, as an amputee. Right now, words like amputee, amputation, stump, residual limb, Myodesis, TMR, long anterior flap, disabled, cripple, and handicap should probably scare me. They don't. The idea of those words being part of my daily life, not just as someone who struggles with BID, just feels so right.

I'm glad you're in a good place. You're so right, the idea of stumps would be the most amazing feeling. The fact that I couldn't leave the house without my keys, phone, wallet, crutches and or prosthetic is a reality I need to experience. This is my desired normal.

I just can't do the negative hate chat rooms. I'd rather keep quiet. The world, especially in the USA right now, is just so toxic. Life is so short and so precious, there's just no reason to make others feel bad about expressing themselves when they're just trying to open the conversation around BID.

I read a lot of interesting posts on Fighting-It. I can't imagine where I would be if I had access to all this information back in the 90s. I haven't yet had a chance to post on that forum. A 57 year old amputee will be far different than a 27 year old amputee, but I'm up for the challenge.

I know amputation would be a disability, and some things would be harder. But it's just who I am. I know you understand that as well. I truly just need my wife to understand that being an amputee won't change who I am in our relationship.

@lefty Thanks for responding. I had read your story, I believe in the introduction section, and it touched me. Your partner sounds amazing, and you're both very lucky to have each other. I know after 30+ years I'm very lucky too, but I just need this so badly. I honestly feel a little selfish, but I can't keep hiding.

The fact that I tried so many years ago and failed to properly come out, and had to try again, has been really hard. My wife still looks at me like I'm normal, and I know she loves me, but I haven't really been able to just openly talk, at least not yet. I'm trying to give her time and space to process. I'm not even sure she's researched BIID/BID since I told her a few days ago. I just wish she would say something, or ask basic questions. Last week we saw three male amputees when we were out for dinner. None were mirrors of how I see myself, so I didn't want to bring those sightings up. It feels like years go by without seeing an amputee, and now in just a few weeks we've seen five together. Right now it feels as if I could have told her I'm a serial killer, and she just looks at me, gives me a kiss, and says dinner is ready. I'm not sure which is worse: her not knowing, or her knowing and not talking to me about my need. Taking your advice, I'm trying not to push too hard.

I'm happy you're finding relief with orthoses. I wish that would work for me. My problem is I don't just need a disability, I need an amputation that would still allow me to be physically active. At least that's the hope, but I know deep down I might not be able to ski, backpack, or surf the same way after amputation. Either way, I have to try. That's just how I see myself. I wish I could just use a wheelchair or crutches full-time, but that doesn't fit my needs. This weekend I was on a very hard hike to an alpine lake, and every step made me think about how I could do this on crutches or with a prosthetic. I'm such a contradiction. I need to be disabled, and I also need to excel at something physical. It doesn't make sense even to myself.

I know my therapist won't cure me, and I'm not looking for a cure that doesn't include amputation at this point. However, I really have enjoyed just saying everything out loud. I'm sure I've already been the conversation of many dinner parties and family gatherings. I don't care. For one hour I can totally be myself. I can talk about my need for amputation, I can talk about my future stump, and that has been so great. I wish I would have tried therapy years ago.

Thanks again for your advice. I'm happy to know you're finding peace and love with your BID.