Oi everyone

I am happy to join BID community ; I used to be on "Reddit/BIID" and I am on "BID Remidy". I read someone on Remidy saying that there was another website/forum to discuss about BID that I understand up to 1000 % so here I am “(^^)”… I will copy my text from Reddit/Biid and Remidy (to save time) to here for the new people who do not know me…

I am Azumi, 29 yo, CAHH female intersex (she/her), lesbian, adhd/asd, very open-minded and my bid is {DAK} (trans femoral above knee x 2). More infos about me on Deviant Art : https://www.deviantart.com/neenakata 17

The present post is very long to read but it worth it for a better understanding (at least, for my case) so I just hope that I am in the right place for it “(- . -)”. So enjoy reading…

Honestly, I can not say that is a “prenatal-genetic” condition as many websites mention but what I can say on my {DAK} is that all started when I was 5 or 6 yo and I do not know where that is coming from (!?) There are a lots of “maybe” (dream coming from nowhere, a personal revelation on myself, seeing people when I was young)… lots of “maybe”…

From my 6 to 10 yo, I was playing (normally) like any other kids, school and house stuff, until I reached the age of 10-11, some flashbacks came back in my mind. In fact, they came back when I was shopping with my parents (and my eldest sister and my new born sister), I saw some (disabled) people with one leg and/or legless (wheelchair) and I was curious about them ; not as "oh my god “(¤ . ¤)” but mostly on “what happened with them, what are their stories” ; I wanted so much to talk with them that my mother said : “Azumi, stop staring at them !”… but I was not “staring” at them, I just wanted to understand the “what about me ? what is happening with me”, the subject that I always hid from people, including my own family.

Here is a little summary about my family and I… Near my 13-14 yo, according my family (excluding my hard medical intersex case (congenital adrenal hyperplasia/hypospedias) and the fact that I was lesbian), I always have been the black sheep of the family. My father was always working so he was rarely at home, my mother was also working but also dealing with the house, school, taking care of us, while my eldest sister was always hanging with the neighborhood friends. For short, I was always alone with myself that gradually, I turned nervous, anxious, concentration problems (diagnosed adhd) and recluded in my secret world. I didn’t talk much but looked at them most of the time. Also, I was not smiling at all, having my hair covering my face like a curtain (Sadako, Ju-on, Grudge style), that I have started to have good memories about dates/events/what people said, obsessed by details, reading and writing a lot comparatively to others of my age ; I was (very) intelligent/advanced for my teen age but I was not “conformed” to others because I had weird perception of life, emotionless, what people feel, love things, social relationships (diagnosed asd) that I realized that “normal” people were not made for me.

It may sounds crazy but at this moment, I did not know what type of people I needed in my life or what I was really searching but what I did know was, I just wanted to meet and to talk to other (types of) people… disabled people (back to my flasbacks). I had realized that I wanted to support them, being with them, loving them and of course, being like them… to be in my real world, with my real people and to be myself ; not being a person that people expected to see from me.

From my 14-15 yo, I started to read a lot about them (medical files, mental conditions, feelings they had, their lifestyles, stories, even movies) and it was only near my end of 16 yo I got really involved into, I knew that I wanted to be amputed of two legs, 18 cm (7 in) above the knees but I was limited to understand the “why this number” (?). Even today, (29 yo) I still don’t know “why” but I still know that is that number I want. So back to 16 yo, everyday, every morning before the college (private high school you say), after every showers, swiming pool sessions, I used a red marker and ruler (to have my 18 cm), and traced a red line all around my thighs, drawing a pair of scissors on the top of them as… - - - ✄ - - -

So, the more I used to read about these topics, the more I finally put a word on my case… “BID”. Despite that I was raging inside my heart, I had to continue to read about “BID” but for me, it was just a neurodevelopmental word and I was not “satisfied” of this “only word” and I stopped reading for maybe one week and half. But on a next weekend morning (at the dormitory), I was looking the mattress of the girl over me (bunk bed), and (suddenly), I wanted to read more about “BID” that I found there were many “types” : S/D/T/Q, L/R, AE, BE, AH, AF, AW, BH, AK, BK, AA etc. Seriously, I was suprised to read so many definitions but the most important thing to me was ehm… I was finally happy to add another new word of my condition : {AK}… So adding D + AK and I saw myself as a {DAK}, as if I just had a punch on my forehead.

Honestly, it was a relief to put a name on it but, as many people in social communities (forums/tchats), the more I was reading about all the topics and cases, the more that {DAK} turned in obsession and gradually, jealousy haunted my daily life (college/dormitory, part time job, week-end at home, sports, relationship with people and love stories (especially with girls)), that the perception of myself forced me to believe that being a “four limbs”, I was just a monster, the feeling of not being completed from my hairs to these useless legs… my nervosity, my anxiety, my stress turned into depression (almost hikikomori) for years that I just wanted to end this suffering…

Today (29 yo), even if my life changed a lot (not always in good way), and even if I am aware that there are no cures, no psychotherapist, no sexotherapist and doctors who want to get involved into this, I still use a red marker to trace a red line, drawing scissors on my 18 cm (7 in) thighs - - - ✄ - - - and I continue to simulate {DAK} at home, forest (very hard to move on the ground), in my car and I use my arms a lot to move but since wheelchairs and vintage KAFO are very costly (nota : I have tried to contact clinics (India markets) by saying “the KAFO it’s for a movie” but they refuse with a cold “no”) but doing that, the mental pain is still very present in my daily life, I feel my name is on a “waiting list”… waiting for my real “happy birthday Azumi”…

Hm… so that is the end about my dark {DAK} story and I am sorry if it was a long reading. As I said previously, I am very open minded on everything so feel free to ask tons of question and I will answer in details…

Aze