Hi, I'd like to introduce myself and my issues that I've been struggling with for a very long time. I'm Caecelyra and I use this nickname for all my BID-related accounts. I apologize in advance for how long this will be but I need to get it out.

I’m a 29 years old trans woman from Czechia (started HRT right before my 17th birthday). I have ADHD (medicated) and for a long time, I've suspected that I have BID. I had my first desires and I've first learned about BID ( I only knew the term "apotemnohilia" back then) a very long time ago, but I don't exactly remember when - maybe when I was 15 or earlier. I don't know exactly because it's harder for me to recall anything from before my gender transition, I had terrible gender dysphoria and many of the memories are traumatising for me. My memories are clearer since I started at least attending a therapy for gender dysphoria at 15, so let's say that my BID desires started around then.

One of my earlier memories is my wish to not have toes on my feet. That's how it all started. I thought that maybe it was just a fetish because the idea made me very sexually aroused, and I often felt disgusted of myself after masturbation due to thinking about that. I was often repressing those desires as I found them very annoying and shameful, but they just kept coming back. Even when I got *really* disgusted and ashamed of myself and swore to never think about it again, it still came back, just maybe a little later.

Once, I was desperate. I just wanted the toes gone - or at least something, a small part of them. I don't know how old I was but I remember that I was in a bathroom at home, my parents were at work, and I held a knife in my hand. I had a bucket of salty, icy water prepared nearby. I didn't know anything about cutting a toe, but I had motivation. I started cutting the tip of my pinky toe on my right leg. I stopped almost immediately after blood came out and I got extremely scared of myself and my thoughts and desires. That was a moment that made me successfully repress it for a long time. But as always, it kept coming back and sometimes it was strong and I was imagining having feet without toes and how I'd find someone to amputate them after I graduate from college. However, as I got into a relationship with my wife, I knew that it could never happen - I couldn't get rid of them any longer because she would never understand. Sometimes, I'd feel sad about it and feel like I was trapped. I also had issues with ingrown nails on my big toes, and I was able to at least fix that around 1 and a half years ago with a surgery where the surgeon also cut off a part of my left big toe that was blocking the path of the nail. That made me hate my toes a bit less and since then, even though I'd still like to not have any of my toes, I haven't had these strong desires yet.

But the toes aren't my only desire or need. The other one, much more prominent now, is blindness. It's been also present for a very long time and although I also don't know for how long exactly, I think maybe for as long as the desire to remove my toes. I remember that I was maybe 16 or 17 and I was in a bath, and I showered and shaved etc. while blindfolded. Then I watched a whole movie like that - I haven't seen that movie before, I just wanted to enjoy it without seeing it. After that, I was very ashamed of myself and I haven't done it for a very long time. I have never watched a movie without sight at all since then, even though I like the idea. Imagining myself or pretending being blind has often been very arousing for me, but I felt like I genuinely wanted it and was enjoying it in a different way than just sexually - the sexual arousal just always accompanied it. I'd often have these thoughts and then I'd have to pretend to feel satisfied, and it would usually end up with masturbation and me feeling ashamed and disgusted because of it - that was how it usually went over the years. Sometimes I bought something to help me with pretending like blind contacts or a sleeping mask, but it was generally always the same, just with different ways to cover my eyes.

However, it has changed in December, after I started therapy to resolve my traumatic childhood. Masturbation no longer makes me ashamed and disgusted of having these desires and the fantasy of being blind slowly stopped being sexual and arousing. I lost the one coping mechanism I was always relying on, and the desires have kept getting stronger since then. Because I felt so terrible and I had to pretend being blind to feel better, I had no other option than to tell my wife as well as my therapist about my BID.

I have to pretend daily now, at least for some small moments. Sometimes my stomach hurts and I just close my eyes while e.g. showering and it gets better, I feel calmer and peaceful. I do my makeup without looking. I learned how to move around my apartment without bumping into stuff. I slowly learn how to use a screen reader on my phone and on my laptop. I sometimes imagine myself experiencing stuff without vision that I haven't experienced before, like a new hobby, watching a new movie or a TV show or being on a holiday in a new place, and it all makes me feel happy, calm and peaceful. For some reason, I just feel better when I don't see. Sometimes, when I do something new or I learn a new ability, I feel this childish happiness - a similar feeling to what I sometimes felt with my gender dysphoria - and I'd just curl in my bed, smile, be happy and feel hopeful for the future even though it doesn't make sense. Also, just closing my eyes is not always enough because light still bothers me, I feel the best when I don't even see light, or just a little.

It has become my daily life now. I repressed it for so long and now I can't ignore it any longer. I think about it every hour of every day, it's like an obsession. It's been difficult to focus on work or anything else. Sometimes, there are moments that I doubt my feelings and think that it's all stupid and how difficult it would be being blind, but a moment later I'm back to pretending or obsessing again. Also, I noticed my eyesight has become a little worse since Christmas. Not much, just a little, but enough that I notice it sometimes - I need to get closer to read text that I previously could read from a larger distance. I didn't do anything to my eyes, I treat them surprisingly well, I've just been very stressed for the last few weeks. Could be a coincidence, or the result of stress, but that's just another thing I noticed. I've also been more sensitive to light and visual input in general when I don't feel well because of BID. On my worst days I was sometimes getting dizzy when looking at too detailed images and I had to just look on the ground. And for a very long time, I've had issues with blinking: I often blink harder, more often and for a longer time than people usually do, but that might be related to my ADHD instead...

There's also another problem and that's what am I supposed to do with all this, because I have no idea how to handle it. I say that I don't want to hurt myself but the fact is, in the past week, I thought about it several times. I would like a diagnosis and to have some kind of a plan - like getting used to pretending daily in all kinds of situations so that I can pretend whenever I need it, or have some different coping mechanisms, or just to learn how to ignore it, I don't know. I don't even know why I want to be blind. I feel like I really want it, I wish I was blind, but I don't know why I do. I also know that it'd be so difficult for me and I'd lose my job, my hobbies, my independence, and maybe even my family. I am a programmer and I love video games and board game and that would need a lot of work and a lot of adjustments to be able to continue doing that as a blind person. I simply can't afford being blind, it would ruin my life. And the worst thing is, when I get diagnosed with BID in the future (if I ever find someone who I trust who will diagnose me) and it gets worse to the point where I just need to be blind or pretend being blind full time, I will only have the option of pretending and I'll never be legally blind, I'll always just be a pretender, a mentally ill pervert in the eyes of others, and that will make life even more difficult than it already is for people without vision. I'm just afraid of the future if my needs get stronger.

I feel like I was very unlucky with what kind of BID needs I have. If it was for example paraplegia, that would be much more realistic to achieve because even pretending can weaken your legs enough, and I'd be able to live normally on a wheelchair. If it was just one eye, I could just have it covered all the time easily and my life would continue without issues. Sadly, even though covering just one eye still feels better than seeing with both eyes, I know it's not enough for me.

I also don't want to make it harder for anyone else, especially my wife. She is very worried about me and about our plans for the future. I am also ashamed to ask her for helping me out with pretending, and I can't even imagine going out with a cane - I can't describe the amount of shame that I'd feel for pretending in public or in front of my family or friends.

And even though I know all of this, the need/desire/wish (I don't know how to name it, all of these terms feel right) doesn't go away. I can't stop it because if I could, I would've already done that a long time ago. Instead, I keep wanting it, I keep preparing for being blind by learning how to do various activities without vision, and when I feel especially bad I'm sometimes having thoughts about hurting at least my left eye. Once I've also considered whether it wouldn't be worth it blinding myself instead of having to deal with the uncertainty around BID - getting the diagnosis and how people would react to someone who has to pretend being disabled in order to not go crazy. As if not being able to see in some or all situations wasn't challenging enough.

Although, there are moments that I doubt if it's BID and that I just made it up for attention or for belonging somewhere, or that it's really just sexual, because it just doesn't make any sense. Even now, writing this, I'm thinking if my desires are actually real and not overexaggerated or just sexual. My doubts also come from the fact that I get aroused when imagining myself or pretending to have also other disabilities, like amputated left arm or paraplegia. This has always been very confusing for me and that may have delayed the realisation that I maybe actually have BID and that it's not just a fetish. But I think I don't actually want these, I never had any strong desires around them, it was always just in a sexual context - although that doesn't mean I'm not afraid of finding out that I also need those in my regular life because that would be just too much.

All this feels so absurd, so bizzare, and every day since Christmas feels like I've gone crazy. I swore I'd never talk about it and now I share it with everyone. Why would I want to be blind and why can't I stop having these thoughts? I have too many questions, not enough answers, and I'm afraid that the only possible cure is going to be fulfilling those needs - whether by pretending more and more often or by acting on my darkest thoughts - and how difficult my life will become because if it.