Since my childhood I simulate amputations, always in secret. I started with broomsticks and belts as a child. And (with some advances regarding the tools) I do it until now regulary.
In forums I read that there are BID-affected people, who have no interest in pretending.Â
But is that plausible? To be BID-sufferer and to have NO wish to feel how it could feel. No interest to try out using a wheelchair, or blindfold or use a crutch? People may have no chance to pretend because of different circumstances, but "no interest"?
For me, pretending was always an integral part of BID. Could someone who never pretend, be BID-sufferer seriously?
Whats your opinion?
Christof
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One problem with pretending is that once you stop, they realize they do not have the body they feel they need to have. In polls taken on the forums, some people said it helps, but many others said it might help in the short run, but makes it worse once you stop. The fact that it is not real can worsen it because they still do not have what they need. I guess using a wheelchair is an easy way to pretend, but other things are more difficult to do.
Why don’t all green or yellow cars drive around with blue spots? That would naturally look strange, in my opinion. Or does everyone only love one color in this world? BID is as varied as its effects, differing as much as people do in general. These small differences set us apart but share something in common when BID is intense. It is often easiest to achieve this through surgery rather than enduring decades of suffering. Some things can be endured with time, others cannot—just like with other illnesses or challenges. It all
I have pretended, and I still do, but I don’t like it for the most part.
First, I have to sneak around to do it. I hate keeping this secret from my wife, and this just reinforces the shame for me. Second, it really doesn’t look great. Binding my left leg and watching myself in the mirror is disappointing. Third, it doesn’t last very long. Unwrapping my ‘stump’ is a horrible feeling.
What I will do is pull my leg up in bed and tuck my heel into my butt. I still know my foot is there, but the absence below my knee, with just my right foot visible, brings a sort of peace I can’t explain. When I was younger, it was easier and more enjoyable from a mental point of view. I still try casting, but again, it’s in secret. I can only do this when my wife is traveling for work. Even in my own house, I feel like I’m going to get caught by the neighbors or a delivery person.
However, wearing a long leg cast takes my left leg out of service. I have to rely on crutches and I can sleep that way as well. I can usually make it maybe three days before I lose it. Now that I’m older, the leg aches so badly at night. My thigh hurts so much; it feels 'trapped' with the part of me that shouldn’t be there. I’ve even had to get up at 3:00 AM and cut myself out of a cast because the pain was so intense.
At this point, I just feel super emotional, deeply troubled, and confused. In 2009, I broke my left leg skateboarding on a halfpipe—it was a genuine accident. It was an extreme break: a spiral compound fracture. I broke the tibia in three places and crushed the top of the fibula. I still have nerve damage and numbness on the outside of my left knee. In some strange way, I don’t think my brain allowed my leg to heal. At one point the pain was so bad I had to have the rod and hardware removed. I regret that; I keep thinking an infection might have happened that could have led to an amputation.
I will say, the four months I spent casted and restricted on crutches were the happiest moments of my life. I know I’ll pretend again, but I truly hate the cycle. I just want it all to stop.
